Everything Happens for a Reason is Bullshit and Tips for Processing Trauma and Grief

In April, I announced I would take a month off to spend with family and regroup. It was nice…at first. I went on a lovely short getaway with my family to the beach. I came home completely refreshed and sunkissed, feeling some weight lifted off my shoulders from the heaviness of the year. Then, the following day, a phone call. My mother-in-law passed away in the early morning at age 65. Was this a sick joke? If you’ve heard one facet of my story, you’ll know that we lost my stepfather five years ago, my father two years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer the following year (and still fighting), and almost lost my husband last year (also still fighting), and now this?? I read somewhere, probably a random meme knowing me, that not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes life just sucks. And I believe this to be very true.  

We tend to internalize the reasons for tragedy or trauma in our lives. We ask questions like: What does it mean for “me”?; Why is this happening to “me”?; What is this experience trying to tell “me”? We ask ourselves, what is it that “I” need to learn to grow from this?  We are trying to make sense of the senseless because if it doesn’t mean SOMETHING, then nothing means ANYTHING, right? And life can’t possibly be meaningless because “I” can’t be meaningless, can I? So it NEEDS to make SENSE. It feels good to sort our trauma into a neat, rational package. So we quickly try to make it make sense so we can soon try to feel better. 

The problem with internalizing the trauma and connecting it to ourselves is that it is re-traumatizing. Your body had a visceral response to your trauma. Your brain has already flipped into overdrive and gone straight to survival mode. When we experience trauma, our brain disconnects from rational thought. So what you are telling yourself is a lie, and your body already knows it’s a lie. You’ve already created an emotional loop and a trauma marker within yourself. So to ignore this emotion and tell yourself lies to feel better and make it make sense essentially leaves a lasting imprint inside your nervous system that will come up for you repeatedly.  

I’m going to give you my example of this. With each passing traumatic event over the past five years, my fear grew more each time. I was beginning to fear and panic a little more each day. I will tell you that after my husband's cardiac arrest, the fear and panic I was experiencing had been almost obsessive before my mother-in-law's death. As you can imagine, it was difficult for my system to take another hit. 

We took my daughter, nieces, and nephews to an amusement park over the summer, and of course, they wanted Aunty to ride all the rides so they could get a good laugh. I was able to be brave enough to get on, but that bravery led to a steady stream of panic, tears, and anxiety throughout the day. I used to LOVE roller coasters…these days, I’m terrified of rides, heights, things I can’t see, and things I can…. it is endless. And yes, I’m seeking excellent therapy for this. We're trying to do a good thing by making sense of our tragedy. But when we internalize and try to rationalize it, we can often miss the mark and leave some scars that hurt us more profoundly than the original wound.

Another thought about internalizing the trauma is that we don’t permit ourselves to grieve fully. We are not allowing ourselves to feel the pain, the agony, the love, and the memories because that is scary. What if feeling it all is just too big? We try to skip that part. Instead, let’s make it make sense so we can try to move forward. Sometimes this looks great. We do something to honor them; we dedicate a piece of ourselves to them. I remember telling my husband that the last few years of loss and near loss have taught me that I won’t settle in this life. I am taking what’s mine while I am still here and living to the fullest extent of my God-given gift of life. A super brave declaration indeed, and I do mean that. But I also am not quite sure that I’ve processed any of her death yet. I don’t know…I think I’ve been trying to skip that part. 

Now I’ve got an internal struggle with these two versions of women brewing inside of me. One girl is brave and ready to step into a ruthless world to take on living a life that is enough for all of the lives lost. The other girl is terrified of anything that could take one too many breaths away from her. Now, both of them are inside of me. The re-traumatization occurs when these two girls battle it out for protection. Who wins? Fear or Courage?

I don’t know if trauma or tragedy serves a real “purpose.” I’ll be honest; I don’t. It’s something that I’m looking into deeper for myself. But, I believe there is a general master plan for life. If you are religious, spiritual, a naturalist, etcetera, there is plenty of evidence that there is a grand design. And the small part that we play on this Earth for the small amount of time that we are here is an extraordinary gift and forever imprints on this grand design simply because you breathe air. So we don’t need to internalize our trauma or pain at all. But we must FEEL it. 

Our tragedy naturally molds us and forever changes us. We don’t need to create our own road map. We don’t need to make it make sense. We don’t need to prove ourselves to this world. The world was affected because we came into it, and the world is better for it. 

Finally, we could take all that wasted time asking “why” and channel it another way. Ask “who”? Who is this person to you? What did this person mean in your life? If they are still here, how can you show this person all the love you hold for them? How much can you cry, scream, and FEEL……the pain of someone you lost? Don’t skip that part because it will manifest for you in the future. It needs to come out, and it will find one way or another. How loving would it be to show that love and give it entirely to the universe vs. creating a painful weight to be carried around with so much life left to live? I know that our loved ones, alive or dead, would want us to put that weight down and release all that love so we can soar here on Earth. I can promise you that. 

To recap, if you’ve experienced trauma, here are three helpful ways to process that trauma that doesn’t include lying to ourselves. 

1. For death-related trauma, remember them. Find a way to honor those who have passed and show love without fear to those still present. 
2. Deal with your internal trauma. Talk therapy is excellent, but trauma therapies are available that tap into your more profound trauma markers. These therapies process that part of you disconnected from reason and stuck in emotional loops. A favorite of mine that I’ve been doing recently is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)...it’s a game changer! 
3. Give yourself the time and space to grieve the trauma or loss. Feel it as many times as you need to feel for as long as you need to, but please….don’t skip that part.