Perfect Love. Does it Exist?

Disclaimer: Please note before reading: When discussing fear I am not talking about physical fear. Whether physical/emotional/financial/or sexual, abuse of any kind is an entirely different discussion and never okay. My hope for the tools I share is to give you a voice and empower you to be the creator of your own life. But if you are not safe, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or call 911 in the event of an emergency. Also, don’t downplay your gut feelings; talk to a licensed therapist if you need more clarity. 

Ahhh…the perfect love. Your knight in shining armor waking you up with coffee, he is right in all of the wrong ways, and just when you think life is meaningless because your whole world is already right there, wrapped in your arms…..you wake up. Seriously, six, wake up! Life is not a fairy tale, and perfect love is only found in bedtime stories. Sorry for the spoiler alert, but whether you are single or coupled (or throupled-I dunno, that’s your business), I hope I can share some inspo to get you closer to perfect-ish love.

Bear with me, I’m not going to get biblical here, but you don’t have to be religious to appreciate the following verse from 1 John 4:18 ESV:

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

Bibleref.com explains the verse like this: “When we experience God’s love in our lives and share it with others, we do not need to fear… The ability to live out his love, is a sign of our faith in him”. Again, we’re not discussing this in a religious context today. This verse means so many things that have nothing to do with what I am saying today. Theology is not my forte. I will leave that to somebody else. We’re not going to church, but I am here to preach! There are two reasons this verse resonates with me when it comes to modern romantic love. 

First, there is no fear in love. To move toward the love I think most of us seek, we cannot fear. Fear is the single root cause of imperfect love. That is not a fact. There is no science to back this up, there probably is, but I’m not going to look it up. But, I 100%, without a doubt, honestly believe this. When we cling to fear, we pull away, and we turn off the parts of us that we are afraid to show. You cannot fully be open and intimate with a partner with whom you are afraid of sharing your deepest self. Yet, we do this all the time. We get into marriage, take a LIFELONG vow, without putting aside the fear first and closing the gap between us that fear creates. 

Relationships are RISKY. There are no guarantees, so you can either make a choice to pile all of your baggage around you, isolate for all eternity, and falsely label yourself unloveable. Or, take a chance and love without limits and take the chance that maybe if you do, you will receive that same unbridled love in return. And if you don’t get it? Do you really want to seek the favor of someone that will never truly see you? At least you’ll know. I know it doesn’t seem like it at times, but there really are too many fish in the sea to continue swimming where you are not wanted. 

Second, our verse tells us that the ability to live out love without fear is a sign of our faith. Of course, from the biblical perspective, we are talking about God or a higher power, right? But let’s put this into a merely human perspective. If you believe in God or some other higher power, you can rely on your faith to fully live out love because you can remind yourself that you have a constant love within you that is bigger than romantic love. If you don’t believe in those things, you can put that faith into yourself. You can give yourself the love you need without placing that love in someone else’s hands and expecting them to never let it drop. 

Let’s put this another way. We are all human, and we are not perfect. It isn’t in our DNA. I will tell you a secret right now that Instagram doesn’t want you to know. A perfect relationship does not exist. Great relationships? Fulfilling relationships? Strong relationships? Yes, yes, and yes. But perfect, they are not. And it is because we are not perfect people. If you have ever dealt with perfectionism in any way, you will know that it is exhausting because it’s not real. So if we, in all of our feminine glory (or masculine if that’s more your vibe), cannot be perfect, then how in the hell do we expect our partner to be? Your partner may or may not be capable of meeting the standards and expectations you have set in your relationship. So it’s up to you to decide if you need to rethink those standards or if those standards are an actual reflection of your innermost needs. Unmet needs in a relationship will fester; they don’t go quietly into the night. It’s up to you to either meet them where they are and love them fully. Or make a new choice. 

To reiterate, when we seek love from someone else, we must start with loving ourselves, dive deep, connect with our fear, and understand our needs. But what do we do if we are already down the rabbit hole of a relationship? Maybe a problematic relationship? Are we doomed? Honestly, perhaps, but you don’t have to be. I would start with putting yourself first and taking action on the first two steps.

But wait, there’s more. 

Do you ever get a little snarky toward someone that seems to have it all? Do you try to project an image because you feel embarrassed and alone in your actual relationship? The truth is you are not alone, and your feelings are valid, just misdirected. What you’re feeling here are envy and shame. You are envious because you are sensing a need that isn’t being met in your own life. And you are feeling shame because you have let whatever is happening inside your relationship lead you to believe that you are unworthy of love and acceptance. Neither could be farther from the truth, and the key to unlocking the mystery of your feelings is to COMMUNICATE. Lack of communication is in the top five reasons for divorce. 

My husband and I have always been pretty good communicators. Even when we were young and dumb and fought too much about stupid things, we were good at communicating about them later. So it was weird when, a couple of years ago, we found ourselves just unable to make headway with one another. We were not seeing eye to eye on anything, which led to less and less talking. We are, thankfully, both big advocates for therapy, and we have sought couples therapy on and off since our mid-twenties, I think? If you or your partner are not into that sort of thing, I’m going to give you the best piece of advice our therapist offered for free. Carve time out of your day every day to intentionally communicate. This can be in as little as ten minutes. You can talk about whatever you want, but you each get a turn. Set a timer for each person and take turns. You cannot interrupt or react to the speaker while freely speaking; you may only listen. Then, continue the conversation if things are going well and you have the time. If not, end it for the day, let it go, and return to it the next day. Your problems ain’t going anywhere, am I right? Also, don’t skip this if you’re having a “good” day or you think you don’t have anything to talk about. It’s okay if you just talk about the weather, but the “meh” days can reveal some of the best stuff. 

Even with communication, you may still be struggling or feeling doubtful. Have you ever heard the saying, “the grass is greener on the other side?” Meaning we imagine that something else is more appealing than it really is? Then somewhere along the line, we decided to tell ourselves to just sit down, be quiet and grateful and tell ourselves instead that “the grass is greener where we water it.” Yeah, that’s some bullshit. As per this blog post, you must indeed do the work (aka watering your own grass) if you want to succeed in love. But sometimes, the grass is truly greener on the other side. Hell, you maybe should have hopped that fence long ago. Nobody knows for sure, and that is the great hangup in so many relationships. The fear of the unknown. 

Is it a mistake, not a mistake, will things get better, will they get worse, is this my person, not my person? It makes us ALL insane, okay? This is why there are marriages that miserably last until death, crimes of passion, people that just walk out, and love stories written and re-written time and again. It’s a great, wonderful, awful, amazing, heartbreaking, and extraordinary thing, this thing called love. Nobody has the answers, nobody can foretell your future, and nobody can decide for you. 

A song quickly became a favorite of mine by Meghan Trainor with John Legend called “Like I’m Gonna Lose You.” Loosely, it says we are not promised tomorrow, so I’m going to love you like I’m going to lose you. I always try to think of this song even in the worst times. I experienced this myself six months ago. My husband and I almost didn’t have tomorrow when he had a heart attack. Even before that, I always kept it in the back of my mind that it could end. And I don’t mean that negatively, but it can. You cannot control your way to a happy ending, I’m sorry. 

So I feel, I mean I know, that loving with everything you have will reap the most beautiful rewards. It may not be what you envisioned in the end, and that can be hard. But I will promise you that there is a more profound love than anything you’ve ever imagined, and it isn’t perfect. It’s beyond the intense romance of dating, the puppy love of newlyweds, and the exhausted love of parenthood, and it only happens when you are ready to relearn everything you ever thought you knew and break wide open without fear or apology.

I don’t know about you, but I want to spend every second of my life living it. Not hiding, unafraid, full of dreams, and this life requires us to be bold, shed our fears that we are broken or unworthy, and release the idea that we will shatter if we love too hard. Because it’s not true. Because? You still have you. So start here, start tomorrow, dive in on yourself. What makes you loveable, strong, sexy, and whole? Be confident in yourself first, and then share that with someone else. Because I promise you, they cannot take that away from you. They can do their worst, but you belong to you alone. So don’t give that kind of power away, okay?